It is difficult to survive a divorce. And what to do if you lose not only your husband and livelihood, but also a child? If a person who has relied on for many years takes everything? How to deal with resentment at the son who stayed with dad? With these questions, 29-year-old Eugene came to the first session to the psychotherapist Vladimir Dashevsky.

Eugene: Two years ago my husband divorced me. Our son Misha is 10 years old, he decided to live with dad, but now he must move to me. But I have no idea how to communicate with him!

Vladimir Dashevsky: Tell a little more about your marriage?

– I got married at the age of 18, a child soon appeared. As I understand now, there was no mental proximity between me and my husband initially. We did nothing together. They behaved like robots: they will say to come to kindergarten for a meeting of the three of a child, we come to the three of us.

I did not need this man specifically, I just wanted to be with someone together. Be sure that they will protect me. That I do not have to look for money to pay for the apartment, take responsibility. I worked or at home, I was comfortable. For everyone else, our union looked good, and I think it was good. But the husband found another woman and went to her.

-It turns out that someone was always with you, you from the parental family smoothly moved to another family-the one that you created with your husband. There and then you felt safe, were reliably covered from problems. And when the husband cheated on you, and then filed for divorce, for obvious reasons it was very difficult. It’s like a betrayal?

– Yes. I thought he was a good, bright person. But during the divorce he did this, I could not imagine! We had a grocery store that my mother helped me buy. The husband spent all the money from the accounts tied to our business, sold the car and the cottage donated by my parents.

He has friends in the organs, and they arranged so that endless checks began to come to the store: either tax, then a sanitary and epidemiological inspection, then fire inspection. I was forced to close him: my husband wanted to leave me without a livelihood. And he did it.

– And you still live this betrayal.

– I was just shocked! But the story did not end there. Misha after the divorce stayed with me. I tried to save the store, worked until late, came home tired. “Evil Mom” constantly demanded something from Misha: “Put off the phone, get out …”. Then the ex -husband decided to change the apartment. For this he needed his son to live with him.

Then he began to regularly come with gifts, and Misha took his side. As a result, my husband sued my son, Misha moved to him. All friends supported my former. And they asked me: “You didn’t fight for my son?»I moved to Moscow, I work as an administrator in a hotel, I will be.

But even here, when I meet men, they ask: “How did you do it with your child?"And they think that I am a mother-whale. This is not true, but I’m so tired that I don’t care who will say what. If someone thinks that I did not fight for my son, let it be like that.

-Why do you need something to https://globalpharmacy24.com/drug/cenforce-professional explain to someone?

– Probably trying to be good for everyone. Yes, and ashamed. And I’m offended by my son! He will come to me soon. But it’s hard for me to think about it. I can’t imagine how to communicate with him now.

– How long have you been the last time you saw a son?

– On May. I went home and we spent some time together.

– That is, you can communicate when you want?

– Not always. It happens, I write, do not answer, I call, no one picks up the phone. And then they call themselves if something is needed from me. Now Misha decided to come to me, well, they started talking to me again. When I come to my parents in my hometown, I can’t come to the child: there is a new wife there. But Misha cannot come to me, because my mother is offended at him. And my son and I meet only on neutral territory. I already have no strength to fight ..

– Maybe you don’t need to fight? It happens: you will fight, you’ll get sick, but they tell you-yes it seems that you don’t need it. You let go of the situation, and the tension is leaving somewhere. And it turns out that you could do this before … And now you seem to continue to carry a heavy plate on your head. As if you left that city, and you took this stove with you here. And I’m talking about the fact that it is actually not to wear it.

– And how to remove it, this plate?

– What if you just refuse this struggle? You do everything that depends on you, right? Do what you can, and it doesn’t work anymore. So there is a limit of your capabilities. And if so, you can accept what will happen to life. And what will happen to your son. I understand why you are offended. It seems to you: “How so? Why is this happening to me? I’m good, I’m worthy of something else!"

– It seems to me that we are now trying to find the answer to the question: how do you forgive your son in order to continue to communicate with him. After all, he is definitely not to blame, true? Children most often associate the reason for the divorce of parents with them. They think that it is because of them mom and dad are parting, and they blame themselves scary for it. No matter how old children are five or fifteen, they cannot affect anything.

– . The only thing a child can do to alleviate his suffering is to repeat what adults say. When you and Misha left alone, he repeated something behind you, then-for dad. He is a hostage of the situation, as if between two fires. You will love dad, mom will not like it. You will love mom, dad will be unhappy. The boy cannot figure out what to do.

“But I still don’t understand how he could refuse me!

– I think the son did not refuse you. Perhaps his mouth pronounces the words that hurt you. But, you see, no child physically can renounce his mother. Since a powerful attraction is biologically in the relationship of mother and child, which is stronger than any words.

I do not know when and how this will happen, but sooner or later, Eugene, the pain will leave. You need to ask yourself: “What can I do for my child? How can I help him, what can I give him?"And you will understand, you will feel how you better talk to your son than to do with him, how do you learn to understand each other again.

– His father acted as it is convenient for him. I took everything from me, deprived of the opportunity to keep Misha. And now he is returning the child back to me. The son graduates from elementary school in his hometown, and then in Moscow he will study. And now I need to keep myself and the child. I can’t do it!

– Eugene, children are much more unpretentious creatures than we think. They have the simplest desires, they are interested in their own mother. In principle, they do not need anything else. You probably have where to put a lining for your son. And on the "Doshirak"-there will be enough money, no matter what happens, correctly? And you should not worry about the future now. This is a situation that you will think about later. As in that film: "I will think about it tomorrow". It is important to deal with resentment today.

-Yes, because of this it is difficult for me with my son. But I don’t know what to do with it.

– I’ll tell you. Sit at home, or in a cafe, or even on the street where you like it, take paper and a pen and write down everything that bothers you. It can be anger at the ex-husband, sadness because of the lost opportunities, your fear of the future, self-doubt, the desire to respect and appreciate you … Write down absolutely everything that comes to your mind without evaluating without reasoning without reasoning.

And when nothing remains, take these sheets of paper and burn them, destroy them. And while they burn, imagine how they leave with your breath, exhale resentments, looking at the fire. Such ritual acts strengthen us in the desire to free ourselves from our own fears and resentments. It is only desirable to have water at hand to put out the fire, if that … good?

– Yes, I will definitely do it.

– Eugene, there is a lot of painful in what is happening between you and the ex -husband. But be that as it may, for your son you always remain his mother. And he will always be your son. And this is the main thing, and everything else will pass. You see?

– You know, I read a lot of books, I listen to the notes of psychologists. And I know what I need to do in my situation as my mother. But when you know the letters, but the words from them are still not going to, it is very scary ..

– You are scared that it will be as painful as before. Когда встречаешься с ребенком редко и на короткое время, мало о чем можно поговорить, сложно раскрыться. But when there is more time, then everything can be fixed. All in your hands, Eugene. And most importantly, what you can lean on is your love for your son. And his love for you. She hasn’t gone anywhere, believe me. Above the nose!

P.S

Vladimir Dashevsky: Eugene has a clear idea of ​​how her son should behave, what emotions he should experience. But this is her own idea. In reality, what does her child feel, he feels. Evgenia’s expectations do not coincide with reality, and this gives rise to resentment. If our heroine learns to “see” a particular person-his 10-year-old son, respect his desires, then their relationship will become more honest and open, and resentment will leave.

Eugene (two weeks later): I worried that my son, having come to visit, would condemn me. I was ashamed for the fact that now I am insolvent from a financial point of view, I can not give him much. I was afraid that the child would discuss me with his father. After a conversation with a psychologist, a stone fell from the soul. Now I can rejoice at today and what I have here and now. It is now difficult and scary to me, but I realized that there was nothing to be ashamed. When Misha arrived, we quickly found a common language. I will always be his mother, and he is my son.