Mental Health: The Darkest Days of My Life

By Keri LynnPublished On: May 26th, 2021

22 years ago, I sat staring at the notes written to the people I loved the most, saying good-bye… It was one of the darkest moments of my mental health… Contemplating how I would kill myself.

I sat alone in a one-bedroom apartment off-campus at Indiana University at nearly 21 years old.

I felt like I was not worthy of another breath.
I was such a huge disappointment.
I was never enough.
I was a constant failure.
I had no voice.
I was such a big pushover.
I was meek with no backbone.
I hated life and felt so alone, helpless and hopeless.
I didn’t know myself.

I wanted to escape that dark hell hole that I felt like my life was.

The reality from the outside of my life was totally different.

I was blessed to live in a one-bedroom apartment and have my own space for 2-years of college.

I had great friends.

I had a fun job as a waitress.

University was paid for by my family.

I had a beautiful, loving boyfriend.

He was my high school sweetheart. When I went to college, we agreed to do the long-distance thing in an open relationship.

Yeah, I did that whole open relating thing right off the bat. It worked for us until we knew that we weren’t meant for each other long-term. We both went and created the dreams we had and couldn’t have done it with each other.

I had a fun car, the Isuzu Amigo, that I loved. I learned to drive manual on that car and loved zipping around with the tops off.

I enjoyed getting my degree in Early Childhood Education, but knew teaching was not for me in that format.

My mom had a big beautiful home surrounded by nature to come home to on the North Shore of Chicago. She also had a gorgeous place in Crested Butte, Colorado to visit for skiing in the winter and time in the wildflowers in the summers.

I had spent time in Africa on safari for my parent’s wedding (family honeymoon, including my 84yo grandma and her 87yo boyfriend). I had volunteered at a camp for kids with disabilities in Ecuador, both over a couple of years prior. I was about to head to Australia to spend 10-weeks student teaching there.

I mean from the outside, I was so blessed and everything should have been ‘great’.

This is the plague of mental health stuff.

Everything can look good, but on the inside there is a deep dark hole that can feel like it’s swallowing you up.

This song, ‘By The Grace of God’, by Katy Perry came on today. It brought me back to this moment, as this song does every time.

It brought me back to the journey it has been for me to be able to put one foot in front of the other each day.

Part of growing up in the public eye came with learning to conceal what happens behind closed doors. I mean, the deep inner doors.

I learned from day dot that things can be falling apart at home, but I can open that door to the outside world and put on a smile.

Hugh is constantly amazed at my ability to be in tears one minute and show the f$ck up for where I need to be the next.

Like the Queen of England does, I learned that you put on a smile and show up anyway.

For most of my life, most people around me would have had no idea how dark life has ever gotten.

There are people I wrote suicide notes to that would not know I was that deep in despair.

Mental health has been a dark and lonely battle for me.

But I made a decision that day 22 years ago to choose life.

Not because I loved life.

Not because I wanted to be part of life.

Once I even got ok with leaving the people I love most behind and leaving them to mourn this loss, there was one more thing that was my saving grace, the grace of God.

The reason I chose life was because I couldn’t stand the thought of failing at death.

I couldn’t handle failing at one more thing and the look of disappointment from those around me that would follow.

I had concluded I would drink enough poison and take whatever drugs I had, which was Tylenol and Advil, probably some Sudafed back then, to kill myself.

I would poison myself to death.

But, the problem was I didn’t know how much I had to take to make sure I would die, not just end up hurting myself really badly and end up with problems for life because I failed at suicide.

I couldn’t guarantee myself that I would actually be able to kill myself, so instead of the consequences of that, I chose life.

I have created a life dedicated to end the torment that I had put myself through.

When asked about my future and my legacy from my therapist today, I said to him,

‘I am determined to spend every day getting closer to my vision that I hold of Infinite Love, Abundance, Bliss, Joy and Love until I experience this fully. And then from there, deepen even more fully into this experience of life. And from that space, teach others how they can have the same.’

Maybe (read this as, FOR SURE ;-)) I am a princess who wants my fairy tale happily ever after, but I believe this is possible in the most grounded way, as an EMPRESS.

And I am committed to walk towards it every single day.

May is mental health awareness month.

Mental health gets to come to light.

We have to stop hiding this in the shadows.

If you have been here, you are not alone.

If you are here now, you are not alone.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Keep looking for the light.

If you look for it, you can find it.

PS- If you are in a dark place right now, please find a local hotline and reach out.

Get help.

There are professionals standing by to help you.